Sibling relationships aren’t always just about treating each other with kindness. There are often small fights, jealousy, and misunderstandings between children. Research on sibling dynamics shows that temporary conflicts are completely normal in every family and are often linked to competition between siblings. However, this doesn’t mean such behavior will become a permanent pattern.
There’s a strong connection between how sibling conflict is handled within the family and how each child perceives their relationship with their parents. Maria Montessori explained in detail how to create a home or classroom environment that encourages cooperation and peaceful conflict resolution. Her guidance remains relevant and is supported by many psychologists and educators today. Let’s explore how to build positive sibling dynamics and meet each child’s emotional needs.
The Psychology of Sibling Rivalry
Dr. Albers notes that “siblings are a child’s first peer group — where they learn crucial social skills like sharing, resolving conflicts, and communicating.” However, this early interaction isn’t automatically positive. Every sibling fight tends to have two layers: a surface reason (like who gets the better toy or the bigger piece of cake) and a deeper one — competition for parental attention and the role of the "favorite."
What Causes Sibling Rivalry: Deeper Roots
The firstborn usually receives all the love and attention in the beginning. When a new baby arrives, the family dynamic shifts. The younger child often gets more care, and their needs come first. As a result, the older child may feel abandoned or less important, and conflict with their sibling may be a way to reclaim attention.
The family dynamic changes again with the arrival of a third child. The oldest may take on a caregiver role, the youngest receives the most attention due to their age, and the middle child is often left in the shadows, feeling invisible and unimportant.
Most sibling conflicts stem from these shifts. Children are incredibly sensitive to how parents treat each sibling. If they sense favoritism, the “favorite” may be seen as a threat to their own sense of safety and connection.
Parents often say they try to love all children equally. But true equality is impossible, even within the same family, as every child has a unique temperament, set of needs, and way of expressing themselves. Instead of striving for sameness, the goal should be fairness — giving each child what they truly need. That’s the foundation of positive sibling relationships.
The goal isn't to eliminate conflict entirely, because that's unrealistic. Instead, focus on ensuring that each sibling feels seen, valued, and supported.
Start With Understanding
To resolve sibling conflict, you first need to understand its root cause. Observe your children carefully and reflect on recent changes in your family or routine. Ask yourself:
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Has one child been needing more attention lately?
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Does one feel the need to always win or be first?
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Is a child acting out because they feel hurt, even if their feelings aren’t logical?
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Does any child feel like they’re being treated unfairly?
Kids need to feel seen, valued, and accepted. Even in large families, this is possible when parents remain attentive and avoid fueling rivalry. By answering these questions, you’ll uncover much about the true nature of the conflict. And hidden in those answers is the key to the ultimate question: “How to stop siblings arguing?”
Signs of Jealousy Between Siblings
So, what causes sibling rivalry, beyond birth order? Usually, it's about competing for attention. For example, one child wins a school competition, learns a new skill, or gets praised for something special. This spotlight can trigger jealousy in a sibling, leading to behaviors like:
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Tantrums
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Hitting or lashing out at the praised sibling
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Ignoring parents
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Withdrawing or becoming emotionally distant
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Refusing to share or play together
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Regressing to earlier behaviors (e.g., thumb sucking, baby talk)
These signs of jealousy can vary greatly depending on a child’s temperament, upbringing, and emotional environment. Recognizing and understanding them is key to restoring harmony and building stronger sibling bonds.
Sibling Relationships: Montessori Philosophy
Fostering empathy and emotional awareness is a key foundation in the Montessori approach to resolving sibling conflict. From an early age, children are taught how to build “I-statements,” safely express and name their feelings, practice active listening, and treat others with respect. In the beginning, parents play a guiding role — modeling this behavior and gently teaching children to identify and understand emotions so they can better relate to themselves and others.
In this way, parents and educators become a strong bridge between siblings, helping them appreciate each other’s strengths and creating a safe, nurturing space for interaction. This can gradually transform jealousy into admiration, differences into opportunities for compromise, and family stability into a strong emotional bond between children.
How to Deal with Sibling Rivalry? Montessori-Based Tools That Help
Creating a supportive emotional environment for siblings takes time and consistent effort, but the results are well worth it. Here are some Montessori-inspired strategies that help promote positive sibling dynamics:
Teamwork
Children are encouraged to engage in collaborative projects where they work together, make shared decisions, and celebrate joint accomplishments. This fosters unity and mutual respect.
Building Positive Communication
Role play, open conversations, and discussions help children practice expressing themselves clearly, listening to others, and resolving issues peacefully.
Shared Family Routines
Predictable daily rituals bring comfort and structure. A stable routine strengthens family bonds and fosters sibling connection. It’s the small, repeated acts of love that build the strongest foundation for lasting relationships.
Recognizing Each Child’s Unique Progress
Avoid comparing siblings. Instead, acknowledge personal growth based on where each child started.“You couldn’t ride a bike yesterday, and today you’re so confident — well done!” or “Now your block tower stands tall and steady — that’s amazing!” Celebrate every small success for what it is, not in relation to a brother or sister. This helps reinforce each child’s individuality and value.
Teach Children Conflict Resolution Skills
A core principle of the Montessori method is to create a supportive environment where children feel free to express their thoughts and emotions and learn to handle disagreements in a constructive way. However, it’s important to understand that conflicts will still arise from time to time because every child is a unique individual with their own preferences, interests, values, talents, and temperament. That’s why the goal isn’t to eliminate conflict altogether, but to teach children how to navigate it constructively.
When Conflict Happens…
Children should already be familiar with the basic non-negotiable rules and boundaries — and it’s the parents’ role to enforce these. Hitting, biting, or using offensive language should never be allowed. It’s also essential that kids witness healthy conflict resolution modeled by their parents. Kids naturally imitate what they see, so how you handle disagreements in your home sets the tone for how they’ll respond in their own interactions.
Parents can support conflict resolution by helping children:
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Find a compromise
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Stay calm and avoid escalating the situation
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Foster cooperation without siding with or favoring one child
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Ensure that each child feels seen, valued, and accepted as an individual, without labels or comparisons
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Avoid taking sides or placing blame. When conflict arises, put them in the same boat: give shared responsibility or offer them a joint task to resolve the issue.
Remember: fair doesn’t always mean equal. For example, when buying toys, it’s more important to offer each child something they truly enjoy than to buy the exact same thing for everyone.
What Helps Siblings Cooperate? Montessori-Aligned Tips
Sometimes the best way to avoid conflict is to use some simple life hacks.
One-on-One Time Matters
Make sure each child feels equally loved and valued by setting aside undivided personal time every day. Even just 5–10 minutes of focused attention can reduce jealousy and build emotional connection. Let your child choose the activity, use a timer, and be fully present — even if it’s something you don’t particularly enjoy. That dedicated time helps children feel secure, seen, and more willing to cooperate with both parents and siblings.
Create a Culture of Respect
Respect is a cornerstone of Montessori environments. Teach your children to respect each other’s space, belongings, and feelings. Encourage polite speech and active listening — and most importantly, model respectful behavior yourself. Children mirror what they observe.
Celebrate Individuality
Avoid comparisons between siblings. Instead, highlight each child’s unique qualities and accomplishments. Give them opportunities to follow their own interests and pursue activities that reflect their talents. This reinforces confidence and reduces competition.
So, how to stop siblings arguing isn’t about eliminating every disagreement — it’s about giving children the tools to understand each other, express themselves, and grow together. With empathy, guidance, and a strong foundation of respect, sibling conflict can turn into connection.
